THE CALM STRENGTH WITH US ALWAYS

It was the spring of 1998. I had fallen for Jenny and the butterflies in my stomach were in full force. Too nervous to even think whenever I talked to her, I would plan my conversations on a white board and then stare at it during our nightly calls. I was in LA. She was 50 miles south in Orange County. Because of traffic, 50 miles in SoCal equated to about three hours. So, we essentially had a distance relationship and the phone was our lifeline.

Hsien with the twins in West Covina the day after Christmas, 2016

For the first few weeks, our conversations went like a dream. Then, one fine evening, the inevitable happened: I ran out of things to say. I clammed up. Nervousness pinched my voice box, making me talk in a high pitch. I strained to squeeze out unintelligible verbal nonsense just to fill the air. And, on Jenny's end of the line, all my gibberish was met with...silence. After I finished flailing, she paused for at least five seconds. Count it out. Five seconds of quiet is a lifetime on the phone. After that, she said softly in her peaceful way, "I miss you." It was then that I learned that silence can be all powerful. With it, she tamed my anxiety. She taught me that pauses were fine. I learned that just as there is meaning in words, there is also meaning in silence. There can be strength in it, in fact, especially if it's shared. From that night onwards, I never needed the whiteboard ever again. And, in a most positive way, our relationship would never be the same again either. 

Hsien with Jenny's mom and all four of us grandchildren the day before Christmas, 2015, in Joshua Tree National Park. Behind me, the kids may have noticed a dust devil.

The ability to be at peace when others are anxious takes strength, confidence and resolve. And, within minutes of meeting Jenny's parents I found the source of her unshakable calm: her father, Hsien. Hsien and his equanimity would be a rock for us to hold onto for decades to come. But, there was actually an ocean of similarities between Jenny and her dad. One glance at her parents and it was clear that her looks--looks that captivated me at "hello"--came from her dad. The engineering background that Jenny and I shared and nerded out on during our first date? It's no coincidence that her dad himself had a career as an engineer. A PhD engineer at that. Mere minutes into that first date, in fact, Jenny proudly told me of her dad's profession. And, Jenny's tall, lithe figure? Thank Hsien for that, too. Really, the list of their wonderful similarities doesn't end. The love for watching pro sports (Both of them Yankees fans, but what can you do?), facility with numbers, tranquil voice, objectivity at times when anyone else would be losing it, scientific curiosity, physical fitness (Hsien started a walking craze for me and Jenny that she spread to so many around her), adorable mannerisms (such as crossing their legs when tackling math and word puzzles), financial savvy, drive for personal growth, wandering out of one's comfort zone (Archery, anyone?), the desire to help others...

Jenny and her dad, both October babies, celebrated a birthday together in 2018.

Oh, yes, that one. The desire to help. Not long after Hsien retired, he used his talent for numbers to help members of his community in Southern California with their taxes. For free. Soon after Hsien started volunteering, Jenny, in turn, wanted to use her gifts to help her community also. She volunteered at an elementary school attended primarily by underrepresented minorities to teach reading. She enjoyed it so much that she kept at it. This started a side career for Jenny that would go on for the rest of her life--giving her time and talent for those who needed it most. And, just as Hsien gave his mathematical know-how, Jenny offered her skills as an attorney. Free of charge, Jenny used her talent to help children in need and adults who couldn't afford legal help. And, from my view, Jenny's pursuit of giving was inspired by her dad. 

Dylan has a thing for trying on hats, especially if they belong to an older relative. Here he is with Hsien on Christmas Day, 2024.

Hsien passed away peacefully two days ago. It's such a huge loss for his family and this world.  However, I can't help but believe Hsien will always be with us. He definitely lives on through Dylan and Tyler. They inherited Jenny's gift of staying calm and thinking clearly even under the greatest of pressure. When I'm in a panic, I can and do rely on both. Such composure on their part has Hsien's fingerprints all over it. As for me, Hsien has taught me so much. I'll mention one of my favorites here: More than 20 years ago, he gave me my first-ever lesson on bonds and bond funds. I'd never known how they worked before, but he ignited a passion in me. Now, I check yields every day. And, I've purchased bonds hundreds of times. Still, though, with each transaction I remember Hsien and what he taught me. I ask myself what he would do. I always will.